Which house do you belong to? Illustration by Josh Quick
Winter is the perfect time to ponder questions like, “Which set of fleece pajamas will help you cure your writer’s block?” and “What wizarding house do you belong to?”
Some writers are very sure of their house because the traits perfectly line up with their personalities or because a BuzzFeed quiz once sorted them into one and they just accepted the results.
But what if none of the Hogwarts or Ilvermorny houses seem like a good fit for you? Shouldn’t there be more houses, particularly for writers? The answer, of course, is yes, and here are just a few potential ideas:
Twitterclaw: A house for those who are extremely witty but spend most of the time ignoring their unfinished spec scripts to dispense said wit to 32 followers on Twitter.
Hufflepuffer: Very loyal to their writing group but less loyal to their gym membership.
Gryffinbore: Writes extremely brave characters but spends most of their own life binge-watching the Great British Baking show.
Punxsuwudgie: Quick to lend a healing hand to new writers but oddly afraid of their own shadows.
Ravenlawve: A house for people who write something and then put a bird in it.
Invisilidore: Dreamers who imagine a world where non-constructive negative comments immediately disappear from websites and social media.
Slymerine: Those writers who work at their dining room tables—the same ones their kids regularly make slime at.
Horned Socials: Scholars who study the social media stats on their writing a little too closely.
Totemore: A house for people who carry heavy loads in one of their many totes acquired from a literary conference or bookstore.
Thunderbards: Those adventurous enough to read their poems out loud to people they are related to.
Catawampus: Always ready to battle everyday foes, like the 32 tabs that are currently open on their laptops or the IKEA desk drawer that refuses to fit on straight.
Quizzledores: People who are still unsure what house they belong to, but they intend to spend the next hour avoiding revisions by taking multiple online quizzes to find out.
Did you find the right wizarding house for you, the one that spoke to your heart about exactly the writer you are? Even if you didn’t, you found a way to procrastinate your writing project for another few minutes, and that’s what really counts.
Julie Vick is a writer living in Colorado. Her work has appeared in New Yorker Daily Shouts, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, and Real Simple. She is an English Instructor at the University of Colorado Denver. Read more of her work at julievick.com and follow her on twitter @vickjulie.